Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember sheβs smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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