you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
