the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
