Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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