She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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