saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
