Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My penis needs a shock collar
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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