i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize