The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
