When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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