Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
