Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
