I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
