just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
