Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
