the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
