I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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