i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
