so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
