I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you will always have a special place in my vag
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
