I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
