my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I look better un-naked...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
