he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
