Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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