foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize