when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
