i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Of course I have a pirate flag
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
