Welp...herpes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
