I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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