If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
