dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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