You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
