i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
