i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
