evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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