If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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