cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
