At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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