Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
