You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
