Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Everything about him screamed your future.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
