I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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