I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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