i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
