i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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