WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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