I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize