All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
