Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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