new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
