Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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