her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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