dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
