I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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