I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
