My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
