Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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