Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
