Jerry, you need to find god
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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