How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize